Voiceless Screaming

-by X-Japan [Album: Jealousy]

I'm drowning in sadness
falling far behind
I feel there is just no way out
is there anyone there? where am I?

insanity and loneliness
tear my painful heart
broken heart keeps on going to beat
but it never stops bleeding

I've been waiting for love to come
someone who wants to touch me inside
memories of my yesterdays

careless words and deeds
masquerade of love
gotta find my way outta here

I was blinded by dark desire
over time I've been through it all
I'm crying my share of tears

what can I do
will I make it through
I must be true to myself

* Voiceless screaming
calling to me inside of my heart
Voiceless screaming
now is the time I got to speak out

voice of faith, I'm starting to realize
now my eyes can see
I have gone so far
I'm feeling breath of life

and I'm looking for love to reach
someone I want to touch deep inside
light shines on my sight of doubt
don't be afraid
move forward one step
willing mind is what I have found at last

* repeat

Voiceless screaming
calling to me inside of my heart
knockin' on my soul's door
I believe in myself and trust what I do

Voiceless screaming
pain of the past still hurts me inside
knockin' on my soul's door
I climb the stairs that lead me to Heaven

this song has awesome guitar! so good that i think i can never be able to master this song (also because it requires two guitarists).

somehow, the lyrics of this song just struck the bottom of my heart. well, songs i post online are usually the ones that are really good, and more often than not, reflect how i feel. it's just coincidence... when i was searching through the network for some good music ( such as Samurai Champloo OST), the thought of x-japan hit me, and here i land myself with this song of theirs which i've never heard of.

voiceless screaming.. interesting name! why not give it a go? and whoa... when i first listened to it, i was really impressed by the guitar. decided to check out the lyrics next, and i realised that i've just found myself a treasure. somehow felt the words were speaking things that i had wanted to say, but have chosen to refrain from saying. bottled up thoughts/emotions/feelings? probably true, especially with exams that just concluded... absolutely no room to slacken in exam prep given that my parents are working so hard for me. guilt will overwhelm me should i not put in more than 100% effort.

and here comes the dilemma.. priorities to set, choices to make. been stuck with inaction and inactivity for at least 3 weeks now. don't know why i sometimes feel there is something that is holding me back from going all out.. to show i really care.. to show i'll be there.. Not sure if i'm giving up because of small 'losses' to competition, but sometimes such small hints could actually point to larger conclusions. probably i'm oversensitive, but i could be overexaggerating in some thought, but if i don't think as such, could it then be a possibility that i overlooked?

no point fighting on with all your heart and soul if the decision has been made...but press on nevertheless if your convictions hold true.

here's also my problem : i'm not completely sure what the will of my heart is. despite the current turn of events, there's been this lacking desire to want to give it my all and battle it out to the end, till a firm conclusion is achieved. blame it on pessimism...blame it on confusion... but if my pessimism is the cause of my confusion, then i'm in for a severe round of emotional turmoil. internal battles to be fought - only one victor will emerge from these tides of war.

i really hope time will solve this problem of mine, but time is really costly. doesn't seem to me that this is something that i could avoid, so i guess i can only hope that the payoffs will exceed whatever costs that are incurred. if not, it'll all have gone to waste...the only gain would be the lesson learnt, and probably remnants of bittersweet memories - stories that i'll tell as part of my roller-coaster life story.

in a war, there always exists a scenario of asymmetric information. in other words, each party has a different set of information about the situation; you just don't have what it takes to know everything...that'll be perfect knowledge. only God has perfect knowledge, and we, His subjects only struggle to extract as much data as possible from various means. third-party inputs always come in handy, but they're never as accurate as compared to first-hand information. then again, it is always personal choice as to the accuracy and degree of information exposed by the first-hand party. in such games, whom should you trust? will you believe everything he/she said is true? do you always try to interpret the subtler meanings of body language or the underlying message from what the other party says? it's a dilemma.

trust your intuition. even if it is wrong, it speaks for your innermost desires and your true feelings - whether you are comfortable with the next step that you wish to take.

i'm alone in this turmoil... even intuition fails to respond...

all fails... my heart cries out in despair...

...voiceless screaming